This week in school our teachers and students were reviewing, evaluating and building on the foundations of a solid education in Limudei Kodesh and General Studies. I am sure that every school can tell you the same thing - not just for a week but for every day of the school year. However, what made this week especially crucial at Sha’arei Bina is that it marked the end of the first quarter of the academic year. I sometimes muse that school can be a terrible place for children because they are constantly being evaluated and given a number - how close to perfect they are. Imagine if everything we did as adults was evaluated - that supper last night was only a C but the Shabbat meal was worth an A+, your participation in our family discussions would be enhanced if you put down your cell phone, therefore as a participation grade you will only receive an 80, you came five minutes late for carpool, no excuses that there was traffic, so you will be docked five points. Well, you get the idea. Our children are all multifaceted and possess talents and qualities that cannot always be quantified. Our girls are dynamic and ever changing - which is what education is all about. As parents and educators our role is to guide our children into fulfilling their potential and actualizing their dreams. Sometimes this also means allowing our children to make mistakes, even to fail, and having them learn from these experiences. In the classes that I teach I always praise the child who answers a question wrong - I say “Wow, that’s a great mistake. I love it. Let’s understand your thought processes.”
In this week’s Parsha, Vayera, we are challenged with trying to understand how Hakadosh Baruch Hu used Akeidat Yitzchak as the final, most difficult nisayon (test) for Avraham Aveinu. Notice that Avraham’s appellation is somewhat redundant - as Av-Raham - means “Av Hamon Goyim” - the “father of many nations.” And while Avraham may have been the Patriarch to many, he is most specifically our father (Aveinu) and as our father his role surely was to love and guide the next generation to an appreciation of the One and Only Hashem. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote “ Avraham taught the world that the G-d of Israel, the true Almighty One, is the G-d who loves us and cares for us as a parent cares for their child.” Avraham most surely modelled himself after G-d, Aveinu Malkeinu.
So how is it possible that Hashem would ask Avraham to sacrifice his son, the one he waited so long for, the one who would continue to build on and transmit the values of Judaism? Rabbi Sacks posits that we are all being taught parenting skills not only from the Akeida, but from Avraham’s being instructed Lech Lecha - leave your own parents household. Avraham Aveinu who was meant to become a role model for parenting is being told first leave your home, leave your past behind and now you also have to forget about having a future.
We are certainly meant to learn something here - and perhaps the lesson is that there are times that there must be “separation before connection.” Rabbi Sacks continues, “We have to have the space to be ourselves if we are to be good children to our parents, and we have to allow our children the space to be themselves if we are to be good parents. By asking Avraham to sacrifice Yitzchak, Hashem told Avraham that we do not own our children however much we love them.”
The first human child was called Cain because his mother Eve said, “With the help of God I have acquired [kaniti] a man” (Bereishit. 4:1). When parents think they own their child, the result is often tragic. God loves us as a parent loves a child – but a parent who truly loves their child makes space for the child to develop his or her own identity.”
Parenting means being there for your child when they falter but it doesn’t mean being a crutch for them. It’s true that we no longer have the prevailing axiom that “the Teacher is Always Right”, but we have to understand that our kids are not always right either - after all they are kids! If I would ask my father how to spell something he would tell me look it up in the dictionary - and I would say, how can I look it up if I don’t know how to spell it? Well, too bad,he would say, you have to do it yourself. OK , so now we can tell our kids to Google it but we shouldn’t be doing it for them. So many parents make excuses for why their child is not succeeding. Yes, there may be legitimacy to some of what is being said but while the teacher may not always be right any more they most certainly are not wrong all the time! We have to listen to our children, we want to guide them but we also have to let them navigate school somewhat independently. We have to allow them space to become themselves. Please keep this in mind when you receive your child’s report card.
Let us all learn from G-d, Aveinu she’bashamayim and let us model ourselves after Avraham Aveinu and let us hold ourselves back, as hard as it may be, so that our children can walk, even soar, on their own.
Shabbat Shalom
Rochelle Brand, Ed.D
Head of School
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