Families by their very organizational structure tend to be dysfunctional. Think about the constellation of different personalities, ages, wants and needs all clamoring for attention under one roof. A few years ago for Mother’s Day my children bought me a silver pin proclaiming “Let’s put the fun back in dysfunctional” (As you can see I still have it.) My children have all grown up and have B’’H “dysfunctional families” of their own!
And yet from the time of Creation and hopefully into the future the concept of a family unit is what Hakadosh Baruch Hu established as a healthy means of perpetuating and transmitting Torah Values. One of the most disjointed but perhaps typical families was that of Yaakov, his four wives and twelves sons (and an equal number of daughters although only Dinah is mentioned.) We read about love and devotion between wives and sisters, between husband and wife, and the ever fermenting sibling rivalry between children who never seem to grow up - always being referred to as Bnei Yisrael, The Children of Israel. We know that everything that unfolded in the history of being a Jewish Nation was guided by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Yet, the brothers were exercising their “bechira chofshit” when they made the choice of getting rid of their pesky little brother whom “Dad likes best.” Ultimately, we see that the blood is thicker than water and the brothers all live in close proximity to each other, go down to Egypt as one family, band together to protect Binyamin, stay true to their values in Goshen (not changing their names, their language or their style of dress) and all stand together at the deathbed of Yaakov accepting his final words to them, one at a time, culminating in each receiving a blessing for the future.
On Tuesday evening Rabbi Yakov Horowitz addressed our parents on the challenges faced in raising children in this generation. His overall message to parents (and educators) is if you want to know what your children are thinking and doing you have to open up conversations with them. There has to be an element of trust, not anger, guidance not pushing, unconditional love and understanding. Indeed, communication is the basis of all healthy relationships. Communication best happens face to face, go for a walk, play a game, learn together. Emails and text messages don’t cut it - you know very well how a simple sentence can be read with different intonations and understood very differently.
So I tried to check back and determine how many times we find Yaakov talking directly to his sons. The Torah mentions that Yaakov loved Yosef of all his sons, yet Yosef did not know that. Actually, one of the reasons that Yosef did not contact his father for 22 years while he was in Egypt was because he thought that his father had sent him to find his brothers purposely to harm him. Yosef thought that Yaakov was part of the plan. Indeed, when Yosef recounted his dreams to Yaakov and his brothers, Yaakov got angry at him ( ויגער בו יעקב) and said, “What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?” His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind. Yakov seemingly did not rebuke the brothers for their jealousy!
Similarly, after the kidnapping of Dinah, we find that Yakov remains silent (Breishit 34: 5) “Now Jacob heard that Shechem had defiled his daughter Dinah; but his sons were with his cattle in the field, so Jacob held his peace until they came. וְהֶֽחֱרִ֥שׁ יַֽעֲקֹ֖ב עַד־בֹּאָֽם” Yaakov does rebuke Shimon and Levi later on. However, he doesn’t discuss with them the morality of their actions but rather the shame it has brought upon him (ibid: 30) עֲכַרְתֶּ֣ם אֹתִי֒ לְהַבְאִישֵׁ֨נִי
Finally, at the eleventh hour, Yaakov speaks at length to his sons, recapping some of the past and providing them with a picture of what the future holds. One can’t help but wonder how things may have turned out differently (of course, with G-d’s willing it) if Yaakov would have had an ongoing relationship with all of his sons. If he would have spoken with them, guided them, passed on to them his thoughts. We know he was definitely an incredible role model of faith, of leadership, of being the head of a teaming household but did he ever sit down at the shabbos table and have a discussion with them about what their week was like? Maybe he did, but we don’t read about it.
So coming full circle - we can all put the fun back in dysfunctional by talking with (not just to) our kids. Open up those lines of communication. Lean in. You may be surprised at what wonderful. thoughtful and terrific young adults they are.
Have a Good Shabbos!
Rochelle Brand, Ed.D
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